It is distressing...

I have been thinking lately about how much I oppress myself. How can this be? All this time I have cast anger out at other people, at government, social systems, friends, family, enemies, co-workers etc. And when I was a child, it is true, I was taught about oppression. I was taught to be silent when I should have been taught the essential value of speaking for myself. I did not receive this kind of instruction.
I feel sort of shell-shocked here though because suddenly I am seeing that I have continued on with the oppressive behavior by allowing others to silence me. I have taken my fear and projected it out onto those people (some of whom would do me harm others who could care less) and in every case I have stopped myself from speaking, from saying and doing the things that liberate myself and allow me to be true to who I am. I feel so sick inside by the thought of this. Somehow a year or so ago I felt I was growing into myself, now suddenly I catch myself planning to do something in a class and thinking well the one guy in the group will be there maybe I should phrase it a different way so as not to offend him. I am beginning to realize my entire life is built around preparing to make things comfortable for other people (every and any other person in view), particularly men. Why has this sense come back so strongly in me? It feels so difficult to force myself to speak up, to defend my own beliefs. I feel removed, far removed from who I truly am. I feel that there are many layers I have in front of this authenticity. In highschool I could simply be myself, in college I was myself. Suddenly in graduate school I hide, suddenly faulter or shrink at the idea of speaking up for what I believe. I feel like a baby with this, like a two year old baby learning the human language for the first time.

Toolkit for Overworked Angry Alchemists

So it's likely to come up at some point: why am I angry? There is so much crap going on in the world right now. Everywhere I look there are so many layers of injustice - greed, spite, hatred. I struggle to understand how we have all gotten ourselves into this mess - the world's resources are being depleted by greater and greater sums every day and the part I struggle with so much is how deeply emeshed and involved each and every one of us is in that process. How can I make a statement like that? I hear so many people complaining about the state of things. Some of these people take steps in whatever way they can to better things, others simply go on on complaining. I am both of these kinds of people - I beat myself up every day for how much I contribute to the cyclic downfall of our planet. I try to do better with this but I beat myself up even for that - for how I fail to do my own part. What's the lesson in this?

There is so much damage we all do-in one day the consumer probably contributes to the suffering of hundreds if not thousands of people (where do the clothes we wear and the food we eat come from exactly?)-- but the root of that damage begins inside of ourselves in that very instant we decide we are unlovable, we are worthless, we will never add up.

We all have these feelings at one point or another - everyone has a bad day, but how many of us carry these thoughts into the daily routine of our lives? The small moments we have with ourselves where we say throughout the day: I could have done that so much better. I really f*%ked that one up huh? This is not about big things all the time - it is what we say to ourselves over and over again when we miss the bus, when we spill coffee, when we stay up late and are tired the next morning.

It is so hard for me to stop beating the crap out of myself for not ending world hunger but how is one person meant to do that on their own if they are in a mindset in which they constantly starve themselves of joy? We begin to move into a space that is slightly more lovable (today I will be gentler with myself, I will treat myself to something that makes me smile) and then we say - how dare I enjoy myself - how is it right for me to receive joy when so many others suffer? We often miss the correlation between the fact that there is no way to help others if we continue to propogate our own suffering.

Now some might see that as an excuse to splurge: oh, "the me first principle" they might say and then go off and buy four hundred dollar shoes. But this is confusing the notions of self-love and selfishness - they are two different things and an act in and of itself can come from either place. Two people may do the exact same thing: person A goes out and buys themselves a pair of shoes with cash they had thought of donating to a cause. Person B does the same. Is the thought in that instant about giving themselves permission to care for themselves or is about resentment because of the fact that people expect them to put the money somewhere else?

What is most important is to ask ourselves where we are at any given moment - where am I right now? what am I longing for? what am I saying to myself? what is the impetus behind the action I am taking?

How Strange

How strange that I should come out today, of all the days that one could come out, a winter day, the cold to cool, to sublimate, the fire (today perhaps it's anger? rage?) and what of this little fittle fattled space, a long wooden table, a bench, a vile? I fill (place) in the center a new kind of wile...today's quandry will be that gargantuan topic: mortality (quicksilver) and gold (denial).

What do we do then, knowing we are on this earth, with so little time to spare and such an awful stench (this human mess)?