It is distressing...

I have been thinking lately about how much I oppress myself. How can this be? All this time I have cast anger out at other people, at government, social systems, friends, family, enemies, co-workers etc. And when I was a child, it is true, I was taught about oppression. I was taught to be silent when I should have been taught the essential value of speaking for myself. I did not receive this kind of instruction.
I feel sort of shell-shocked here though because suddenly I am seeing that I have continued on with the oppressive behavior by allowing others to silence me. I have taken my fear and projected it out onto those people (some of whom would do me harm others who could care less) and in every case I have stopped myself from speaking, from saying and doing the things that liberate myself and allow me to be true to who I am. I feel so sick inside by the thought of this. Somehow a year or so ago I felt I was growing into myself, now suddenly I catch myself planning to do something in a class and thinking well the one guy in the group will be there maybe I should phrase it a different way so as not to offend him. I am beginning to realize my entire life is built around preparing to make things comfortable for other people (every and any other person in view), particularly men. Why has this sense come back so strongly in me? It feels so difficult to force myself to speak up, to defend my own beliefs. I feel removed, far removed from who I truly am. I feel that there are many layers I have in front of this authenticity. In highschool I could simply be myself, in college I was myself. Suddenly in graduate school I hide, suddenly faulter or shrink at the idea of speaking up for what I believe. I feel like a baby with this, like a two year old baby learning the human language for the first time.